I hate that people are judging me before even trying to get to know me. I give forth me best fucking effort and getshut down. Only to find to later that I didn`t try had enough. I hate how I can work so hard for so long to make a good impression on some people ... and one bad day lets them think the absolute worst of me. I hate that NOBDY understands how fucking hard it is for me to change EVERYTHING ... to give up EVERYTHING. My family, my friends, my home ... everything I once held dear ... I have to give up and everyone expects me to do it and get over it. No one has once asked how I feel or how I`m adjusting. I have gone from one extreme to the other ...for someone that I love ... and I love him more than I think anyone will ever understand. More than I have loved anyone in my life - more than I love myself. I might just die the day he tells me he doesn`t want me around anymore - the day he tells me he wants someone else. Does NOBODY understand that changing your entire being, as a person ... DOES NOT HAPPEN OVER NIGHT?!? Hell, it doesn`t even happen in a couple of weeks. I have thought about it. And this is what I want. But this isn`t "Bewitched" and I can`t just wiggle my nose and be the person I have to be to fit in down here. This is real life, and I am a real person, despite what some people think of me ... and it takes time to forget who I am. It takes time to build a person from scratch. No one seems to understand, or even care ... that I have FINALLY come to terms with who I am and am FINALLY happy with the young woman that I have worked so hard for the past 19 years to become. 19 years of fighting .. and I am finally happy. And now I`m expcted to become someone completely new ... and over a few weeks at most? How is that possible? And how is it fair that in this relationship ... I`m the only one sacrificing? I`m giving up my life. My dreams. My friends. The little family that I have left. Everything, I`m giving it all up to be with him ... and he isn`t giving up anything. He`s getting everything. He`s staying with his family, his friends, his good job, the house he just bought, and he gets to have his dreams come true. Maybe I`m bitter but I thought this was the 21st century? I thought women were people too, and that relationships were supposed to be 50/50 equal? I thought relationships were give-take on BOTH sides, not I give all, you take all. What happened?

I want to be with him ... more than I have wanted anything in my life ... but he`s right when he says I`m not happy here. At least, not yet. But he`s not willing to change anything for me ... he`s expecting me to do it all. Don`t get me wrong, I want to be good enough for him ... but is there something wrong with me that I think I`ve spoiled him too much in always letting him have his way? Is there something wrong with me that I want to have a compromise that makes us both happy? Am I wrong to think that relationships call on both parties to sacrifice, and gain in the end? *sigh* ... what`s a girl to do, when she`s not even considered a person, but more of an item as part of the quest to make his dreams come true? I don`t think he even wants me ... I think he just wants someone to love him and settle down and build a life and a family with him. He says he wants me ... and I want to believe him ... but it`s hard when he`s making me sacrifice everything for him, and all he has to do is sit there and have everything fall into his lap.

Am I right and both people need to make sacrifices to make love work? Or am I wrong, and I have to take on all the sacrifices because I`m the woman? Someone help ... I don`t even think I know myself any more... bleh.

I do know one thing. And that is that I love him, more than anything. And I want to be with him. If I have to give up everything and start from scratch, I will. But PLEASE UNDERSTAND ME ... I CAN`T DO IT THIS QUICKLY! Uproot your entire life and start over in a new place with new people and the need to be a new person to fit in ... and then TELL ME HOW EASY IT IS! gah. I`m sorry I`m just fed up with myself.